WASHINGTON (AP) – Several small groups of Secret Service employees separately visited clubs, bars and brothels in Colombia prior to a visit by President Barack Obama last month and engaged in reckless, “morally repugnant” behavior, Sen. Susan Collins says.

She says the employees’ actions during the stunning prostitution scandal could have provided a foreign intelligence service, drug cartels or other criminals with opportunities for blackmail or coercion that could have threatened the president’s safety.

Full Story Here:
Senator: Prostitution scandal wider than believed

You would think that a U.S. Senator would choose their words a bit better than that; “Prostitution scandal wider than believed” … just sayin’. I know the *intent* of the words, but still, there is a gaffe in that line, maybe along the lines of a Beavis and Butthead gaffe, but a gaffe none the less.

This picture is said to be one of the Colombian hookers involved in the Secret Service debacle.

Colombian Prostitute

And here we have the typical American hooker(s).

American Hookers

Now I’m not saying it’s *justification* for these Secret Service guy to mess around while on an assignment, but DAMN, Colombia has us seriously BEAT in the hooker business.

All joking aside, the ramifications of this little party on the road could place the USA in a very precarious position.

As the article points out, Agents could become victims of blackmail and extortion, surely a few divorces will come from this, and who knows what else.

Think with the head on TOP guys.

WASHINGTON (AP) – The sun is bombarding Earth with radiation from the biggest solar storm in more than six years with more to come from the fast-moving eruption.

The solar flare occurred at about 11 p.m. EST Sunday and will hit Earth with three different effects at three different times. The biggest issue is radiation, according to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration’s Space Weather Prediction Center in Colorado.

Full Story Here:
Strongest solar storm since 2005 hitting Earth

So, a solar storm huh?

I wonder what the political crowd and global warming crowd would say about this?

 It’s not the fault of the SUN, it’s those damned
Republicans and their use of fossil fuels, global
warming is the cause of ALL problems in the USA.

Let me be very, uh, clear. Solar flares and uh, um, the radiation that, um, ah,
comes with it is uh, not my, uh, fault. Obviously, George Bush is, uh, responsible.

The borders of this nation are more secure than
at any time in the past, the solar flare will not
affect any undocumented people in the desert
and I am NOT related to a greyback gorilla.

It’s the fault of big government and the Jews. They don’t
believe in LIBERTY and have a plot to take us ALL to the
FEMA camps. I am not a NAZI or a racist, I just appear to
be in videos. In liberty, and yada yada yada yada…………

DISCLAIMER: The pictures you see above are real pictures of the people they represent, the quotes are nothing more than humorous punditry. (The Legal Team)

OSHKOSH, Wis. (AP) – Demonstrators calling for the recall of Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker learned there really is such a thing as too much cowbell.

Oshkosh police arrested a 26-year-old Appleton man on Thursday after he kept playing a cowbell and shaking it in an officer’s face when he and other protesters were told to be quiet.

The Oshkosh Northwestern reports that when the officer tried to take the cowbell, the man pushed the officer. A 25-year-old Appleton woman then hit the officer in the back with her picket sign while the man was being handcuffed.

Both were taken to the Winnebago County Jail. Police will recommend that the man be charged with disorderly conduct and resisting arrest and the woman be charged with disorderly conduct and battery to an officer.

Full Story Here:
Wis. man arrested for playing too much cowbell

That’s right, he played THE COWBELL!

This was always one of favorite SNL skits, every time I saw it I thought of my friend and neighbor, so, Art Quezada, where ever you may be, I thought of you man! Be well!

Company Memo

FROM: Amy Brown, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols… feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1pm. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however no gift should be over $10 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Amy

FROM: Amy Brown, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we’re calling it our ‘Holiday Party’. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Amy

FROM: Amy Brown, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads ‘AA Only’ you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money and the executives believe $10 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Amy

FROM: Amy Brown, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.

Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men’s table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh ‘low sugar’ fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply ‘no sugar’ desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?

Amy

FROM: Amy Brown, Human Resources Director
TO: All F**king Employees
RE: The F**king Holiday Party

I’ve had it with you vegetarian pricks!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the ‘grill of death’ as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f**king salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW! The rest of you f**king wierdos can kiss my ass. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,
The Bitch from Hell!!

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
RE: Amy Brown and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Amy Brown a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the ‘rest facility’. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Whatever!
Joan

You answer the door before people knock. 
 
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

You ski uphill.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

You lick your coffeepot clean.

You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people’s fingernails.

Your T-shirt says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s blend.”

You can type sixty words per minute … with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

Cocaine is a downer.

You don’t need a hammer to pound nails.

Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”

You don’t sweat, you percolate.

You buy Half & Half by the barrel.

You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug, twice.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.

The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.

Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

Instant coffee takes too long.

When someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”

You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.

Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can thread a sewing machine, while it’s running.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.

You don’t tan, you roast.

You can’t even remember your second cup.

You help your dog chase its tail.

Feeling Unappreciated??

The next time you feel that nobody loves you, no one cares, or that no one ever notices you, think of this guy:

Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These…

In a hospital’s Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural.

No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson , the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? – No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What? STILL having a Bad Day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with ‘Return to Sender’ stamped on it.

Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits. God is good!

There now, Feeling Better?

RULES FOR GUYS

Make sure you study these to learn proper guy etiquette!

1. Thou shall not rent the movie “Chocolat”

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow party-goers.

4. When you are queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

7. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is
forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy’s “ex”, you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see nothin’.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend’s cat.

17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel… and it’s free.

20. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, “What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin”, then you may sit back and enjoy.

23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: “Yeah, baby, push it!” “C’mon, give me one more! “Harder!” “Another set and we can hit the showers.” “Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?”

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response.

27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not, unless you are gay.

Texas vs California

A Governor is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the dog.

California :
 
#1. Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie  “Bambi” and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.
 
#2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it. 
 
#3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200 testing it for diseases.
 
#4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound  bandaged.
 
#5. Running trail gets shut down for 6  months while wildlife services conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear of dangerous animals. 
 
#6. Governor spends $50,000 of state funds  implementing a “coyote awareness” program for residents of the area.

#7. State legislature spends $2 million  investigating how to better handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate the disease.
 
#8.Governor’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack and for letting the Governor intervene.
 
#9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent.
 
#10. PETA  protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the state.
 
Texas :
 
#1. Governor shoots coyote and keeps jogging. Governor has spent $0.50 on a .380 cartridge. Buzzards eat dead coyote.

Any wonder why California is  broke????

The Costume Party

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Costume party.

He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his bald head and his wooden leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The Saudi Ambassador

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving speech and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush.

They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, “You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.”

President Bush says “Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you I will do.

The Saudi whispers “My son watches this show ‘Star Trek’ and in it there are Russians, Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn’t understand why there are never any Arabs in ‘Star Trek.’”

President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back:  “It’s because it takes place in the future….”

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, a store where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the
sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money, and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited…

 

LONDON (AP) – For the past 50 years, scientists have scoured the skies for radio signals from beyond our planet, hoping for some sign of extraterrestrial life. But one physicist says there’s no reason alien life couldn’t already be lurking among us – or maybe even in us.

Paul Davies, an award-winning Arizona State University physicist known for his popular science writing said Tuesday that life may have developed on Earth not once but several times.

Davies said the variant life forms – most likely tiny microbes – could still be hanging around “right under our noses – or even in our noses.”

“How do we know all life on Earth descended from a single origin?” he told a conference at London’s prestigious Royal Society, which serves as Britain’s academy of sciences. “We’ve just scratched the surface of the microbial world.”

Full Story Here:
Scientist: Alien life could already be on Earth

I have long believed that they walk among us.

If you take THIS:

And add THIS:

You get THIS:

Be afraid, be VERY afraid! 

MEXICO CITY (AP) – A NASA astronaut says he wants to help Mexican officials start the country’s first space agency.

Astronaut Jose Hernandez says he has no plans to leave his job at NASA, but hopes to help Mexico’s program get off the ground.

Hernandez, the U.S.-born son of Mexican migrant farm workers who spent much of his childhood moving between Mexico and the U.S., lobbied for a space program in meetings with Mexican lawmakers Tuesday.

He says officials must invest more money in science, technology and education to make Mexico more competitive and diversify its economy.

Legislators have set aside 10 million pesos ($775,000) for the Mexican Space Agency in next year’s budget, but the program has not yet been officially established.

Full Story Here:
Astronaut says Mexico needs its own space program

This is terribly reminiscent of a story I heard many years ago.

The Mexican government wanted a Navy, a big one. They wanted to be a world power on the high seas.

The Mexican government began to do research on exactly what it was going to take to build a Navy. They priced the ships they wanted to build and were sad to find that they were immediately out of luck due to the massive costs involved.

Not to be deterred, they then began to look into buying used ships from other nations, ships that were about be retired and decommissioned.

As it turns out, even that was beyond the price range of the Mexican government, so, they had an idea that maybe they could just buy one mighty ship, and the search continued.

They got the price of a used aircraft carrier, a battle ship, a cruiser, a destroyer, even a used submarine was considered. Again, ALL of these vessels were out of reach for the Mexicans.

It was at this time that the most brilliant Mexican designer to ever live came forth and offered a solution. He would build the Mexican government a ship, a submarine actually, and he would do so at a very cheap rate as well.

So, this brilliant Mexican engineer and his team begin construction on Mexico’s very 1st submarine, but, there was a bit of a glitch. There was only enough money to build a 2-man *midget sub*.

The work on this *midget sub* continued for several weeks and the sub was finally launched.

The crowd roared as the crew boarded the new Mexican Navy sub to begin sea trials off of the Mexican coast. What follows is a description of the activities in the ensuing weeks.

The Captain and Engineer are in position and the Captain says: “Senor Engineer, theese is your Captain, take theese submarine down to 50 feet and scheck for leaks!”

The Engineer replies, “Senor Captain, theese is Senor Engineer, the submarine is at 50 feet and we got NO leaks!”

The Captain says, “Senor Engineer, theese is your Captain, take theese submarine down to 100 feet and scheck for leaks!”

The Engineer replies, “Senor Captain, theese is Senor Engineer, the submarine is at 100 feet and we got NO leaks!”

The Captain says, “Senor Engineer, theese is your Captain, take theese submarine down to 250 feet and scheck for leaks!”

The Engineer replies, “Senor Captain, theese is Senor Engineer, the submarine is at 250 feet and we got NO leaks!”

The Captain says, “Senor Engineer, theese is your Captain, take theese submarine down to 500 feet and scheck for leaks!”

Sadly, as the sub was diving to 500 feet, it suddenly broke up and was completely destroyed.

The Captain was killed, but by some miracle, the Engineer lived and once he was able to testify, the Mexican Navy conducted an inquiry to determine what exactly had happened.

The Mexican Navy official asks the Engineer, “Senor Engineer, please to tell us, what happened to our beautiful, and very expensive submarine!”

The Engineer tells his tale like this.

“Senor Captain orders me to take the submarine to 50 feet and scheck for leaks, so I take the submarine to 50 feet and we got no leaks!”

“Senor Captain orders me to take the submarine to 100 feet and scheck for leaks, so I take the submarine to 100 feet and we got no leaks!”

“Senor Captain orders me to take the submarine to 250 feet and scheck for leaks, so I take the submarine to 250 feet and we got no leaks!”

“Senor Captain orders me to take the submarine to 500 feet and scheck for leaks!”

“Well Senor Navy official, it’s like theese, on the way to 500 feet, the damned adobe collapsed.”

And that’s why I don’t believe a Mexican Space Program is a very good idea…