How to Tell Where a Cop works — Police Humor
Narcotics
-Immediately grow facial hair, tell everybody you were ordered to.
-Start wearing “Tap Out” t-shirts
-Start watching every episode of Monster Garage.
-Buy a biker wallet with a big chain.
-Practice the “Don’t acknowledge me, even in the police station, look.”
-Thinks even the Chief worships you.
-Make every case involve overtime $$$.
-Learn to play golf drunk.
SWAT
-Wear team T-shirts (size small), Oakley sunglasses and boots everyday.
-Try to fit the word “breach” and “tactical” in to every conversation.
-Have a mirror handy to check hair, if you have hair.
-Never say hello to anyone who is not an operator, just practice your SWAT head nod.
-Subscribe to Soldier of Fortune, Guns and Ammo and Muscle and Fitness magazines.
-Learn to play golf wearing a gun, a tactical knife and a back-up gun (just in case)
Community Service Units
-Hate SWAT.
-Work to make everybody love you.
-Paint your office in pastel colors.
-Think Feng Shui.
-Subscribe to Psychology Today.
-Learn to play miniature golf.
Traffic units
-Write tickets to EVERYBODY.
-Spend every weekend cleaning your bike and polishing boots.
-Annoy the shit out of everyone on the radio by having complete disregard for anyone else’s radio traffic.
-Talk about nothing but how many tickets you wrote in one day.
-Constantly ride by a building with big windows to see your reflection.
-Refer to the “other” law enforcement officers as “Car cops.”
-”LBR” (Look Bitchin’ Riding) is your mantra
-Golf is lame, motor rodeos are cool.
K-9 Units
-Become sadistic.
-Show pictures of your latest dog bite.
-Brag about your largest drug find.
-Smell like a dog.
-Workout 3 times a day.
-Show off your bruises.
Administrative Units
-Three-hour lunches every day, tell everybody it’s a “meeting.”
-Upgrade department cell phone every month.
-Tell everybody you are published in a national law enforcement magazine.
-Update your revenge list on a weekly basis.
-Expert at PowerPoint, bar charts and graphs
-Golf Rules! Play LOTS of golf.
Patrol Units
-Has nerves of steel.
-In a terminal state of nausea from department politics.
-Inability to keep mouth shut.
-Has defining tastes in alcohol.
-Is respected by peers.
-Beats the crap out of his caddy on any bogeyed shot.
FTO
-Automatically grasps the door handle until knuckles turn white when car is put in gear.
-Considers a multiple-victim homicide in progress a “good training opportunity” and asks to take primary.
-Lifelong case of irritable bowel syndrome
-Considers less than three hours of OT to be a quiet day.
Detectives
-Come in at 0800.
-”Breakfast” from 0815 to 1030.
-Work from 1030 to Noon.
-Noon to 1400 Work out and Lunch.
-1400-1700 Sit in CID and talk about how many girlfriends you have and how the wife doesn’t know. Plan your next RV, fishing, motorcycle trip.
Patrol Sergeant
-Remembers very well “how we usta do it.”
-Always willing to tell his officers the above.
-Tries to fit the word “liability” in to every sentence.
-Talks about “what he’s hearing from upstairs.”
Trainee
-Unable to grow facial hair.
-Watches every episode of Cops.
-Gets excited when the SWAT guys walk by.
-Arrives for work three hours early.
-Thinks the sergeant is thrilled to see him.
-Won’t drink on the golf course because it violates the open container ordinance.
New Corrections Officers
- Show up for work 15 minutes early.
- Buy only the best ink pens (Pilot G-2).
- Wear T-Shirts of your “dream department” under your uniform.
- Wear a full duty belt of gear even though you have to remove everything when you arrive at the facility.
- Become friends with every local police officer.
Defensive Tactics Instructors
-Starts stretching before making arrest.
-Can spend hours debating the advantages of RCB vs. straight stick.
-Wears yoga pants off-duty
-Chuck Norris is GOD
-Has spent more than $50 on a wood baton.
-Giggles when a suspect starts to resist.
Firearms Instructor
- Responds to every question/statement with the word, ‘huh?’
- Has a % lead/blood level higher than the current Chief’s approval rating.
- Operates under the assumption that the more beer you drink, the more of that lead leaves your system.
- Thinks a new tactical handgun is a great Christmas gift for the wife/girlfriend.
- Has an image of a custom 1911-A1 for a screen-saver.
- Wears the latest high-tech electronic hearing protectors during normal conversation.
Absolutely LOVE it! Thanks for the laugh, I seriously needed it today!
Insider information?
Thanks for the good LOLs , Fred. My sympathies go to the FTOs . 
The Wannabe:
Has a scanner permanantly glues to hip with volume so loud it causes feedback with Dispatch.
Memorized the names of every officer and trainee since time began.
Knows where the action is going to be before dispatch can even finish the particulars.
Gets stopped for speeding while going to get in the way of real officers and when asked “where’s the fire” give the address of the call.
Has a badge fabricated in the local PD insignia at a cost three times what a real one would be (including training)
ALWAYS fails the test for civil duty.
Now that is too funny. For those that have been there, there is some truth to be found.
The way too small T-shirt on the SWAT guys is no lie…they do that.
I still have my large stack of Pilot G-2 pens that I still use to this day. Every cop, in the day before vehicle printers, bought these pens. They helped a little when you had to fill EVERY damn ticket and every damn report out by hand.
I swear, my first 6 months as a cop, my hand was permanently cramped as if I was holding a pen, even if I wasn’t. Until I became a cop, I NEVER used up all the ink in a pen. It was always lost or broken before the ink ran out. As a cop, damn if I didn’t have a pen less than two weeks and the sonofabitch would be out of ink. I went through pens like they were socks.
Great stuff Fred.
I guess I’m old fashioned but I miss the cop on the beat. Knew them by name and what their routine was. Stayed out of trouble that way. Oh for the old days.
I was more the “Barney” type deputy, myself. Wore civvies except on occasion.
We had one young guy who wore a low-slung holster (gun fighter style) with a western style 44 revolver, western belt, and cowboy boots and, of course the hat.
I was in the office doing paperwork one evening. My “cowboy” colleague was a cross the room slouch in a tilted-back chair, with his feet up on his desk, reading something or other. Somehow, that 44 slid out of the holster and hit the floor directly beneath his chair. Nobody was hurt, but most of us had to go home and change clothes!
JDL
Hate to tell you [or actually, not really] that the great bulk of that bullshit isn’t quite so much bullshit.
I can imagine the guilty looks on each one of those assigned officers as they read their descriptors.
And, as they walk away, their grins widen. . .
BZ
Looks as though things haven’t changed since 74. Oh well… Love the Baton verses RCB comment. I actually worked with Mr. Kubota back in the day, and yes, I still like Batons! Does anyone here besides myself and Fred remember when S&W Model 65′s were issue and Super Vel Ammo ruled the day? The Dodge Polaris Interceptor? When “Drop it “MF” or I will blow you out from under that wool!” would not result in a lawsuit? When you told the House deputies to “Toss him into 4b.” Would assure that the rapist would get his just due for what he did to that teenage girl?
Damn you’re old.. LMAO
Going to have to steal this for A Little Levity.