Dan Rather said, “Well, I’m a Texan; so I’d like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili.” The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, “Now I can die content.”

Peter Jennings said, “I am Canadian, so I’d like to hear the song “O Canada” one last time.” The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag Musicians and played the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could now die peacefully.

Cokie Roberts said, “I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.”

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, “Now I can die happy.”

The leader turned and said, “And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?”

“Kick me in the ass,” said the Marine.

“What?” asked the leader? “Will you mock us in your last hour?”

“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,” insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his fatigues, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leaped to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire.

In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather, Jennings, and Roberts, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass first?”

“What??” replied the Marine, “And have you three assholes report that I was the aggressor?”

Stolen From:
American and Proud

2. A day without sunshine is like…..night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

10. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

14. How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.

15. OK, . . . . so what’s the speed of dark?

16. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness! pays off now.

18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

22. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

23. Just remember - if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.

24. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

25. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates; it’s more like a jar of Jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.