A Few Good Laughs

Time for a bit of levity. These made me laugh!

RULES FOR GUYS

Make sure you study these to learn proper guy etiquette!

1. Thou shall not rent the movie “Chocolat”

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow party-goers.

4. When you are queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

7. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is
forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy’s “ex”, you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see nothin’.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend’s cat.

17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel… and it’s free.

20. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, “What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin”, then you may sit back and enjoy.

23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: “Yeah, baby, push it!” “C’mon, give me one more! “Harder!” “Another set and we can hit the showers.” “Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?”

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response.

27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not, unless you are gay.

Texas vs California

A Governor is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the dog.

California :
 
#1. Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie  “Bambi” and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.
 
#2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it. 
 
#3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200 testing it for diseases.
 
#4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound  bandaged.
 
#5. Running trail gets shut down for 6  months while wildlife services conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear of dangerous animals. 
 
#6. Governor spends $50,000 of state funds  implementing a “coyote awareness” program for residents of the area.

#7. State legislature spends $2 million  investigating how to better handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate the disease.
 
#8.Governor’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack and for letting the Governor intervene.
 
#9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent.
 
#10. PETA  protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the state.
 
Texas :
 
#1. Governor shoots coyote and keeps jogging. Governor has spent $0.50 on a .380 cartridge. Buzzards eat dead coyote.

Any wonder why California is  broke????

The Costume Party

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Costume party.

He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his bald head and his wooden leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co
.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The Saudi Ambassador

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving speech and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush.

They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, “You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.”

President Bush says “Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you I will do.

The Saudi whispers “My son watches this show ‘Star Trek’ and in it there are Russians, Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn’t understand why there are never any Arabs in ‘Star Trek.'”

President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back:  “It’s because it takes place in the future….”

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6 Responses to A Few Good Laughs

  1. Jeff says:

    Very funny but I need a ruling on #20..If you are figting a girl, is it OK to fight naked?

  2. TexasFred says:

    Only if SHE is too… 😈

  3. Thanks Fred I needed that!

  4. Texasperated says:

    Fred,

    #5 reminds me that a friend will bail you out when you get thrown in jail.

    A REAL friend will be sitting next to you in the lockup saying, “That was AWESOME. Next week at my house.”

  5. Annie Oakley says:

    I sent this to a few friends to drum up more business for ya. This is freakin’ hilarious, most of us can use the laugh right about now. Thanks Fred, even being female I appreciated this mucho!!! Ya cracked me up!!!

  6. BobF says:

    Thanks for a good laugh after a long day.

Comments are closed.